My Journey ~Emotional Moats and Heart Struggle
Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.” John 4:10 NIV
I struggle with words sometimes in prayer. I have emotional moats with alligators that snap when the bridge is drawn. Who am I kidding? They snap when its down too.
I dug them long ago. Evidence of traumatic wounding from the past. Heart surrounded, and yet not guarded appropriately. Filled with tears that finally flow when I can’t take the painful isolation and crave intimacy with God more than safety.
Years ago I learned the necessity of letting the bad out and the good in. Only problem is I still have moments when I won’t let the good in or the bad out because, well, its still me at the bridge controls.
Colton Dixon sings a song with lyrics that soar, “Let them see You in me.” A beautiful expression my heart has exclaimed time after time.
But lately my prayer has been, “Let me see You in me.”
See I’m locked in here with myself thinking I’m so safe. When in reality the worst insults and heart piercing accusations come from me.
I desire approval, but neglect to give it to myself. Like someone dying of thirst who will not drink fresh water. Instead I live parched. Almost drowning myself swimming the infested moat trying to get to accolades and words of affirmation from others. Only it never quenches my thirst.
God is whispering truth and I’m screaming lies. So my prayer isn’t that you would approve of me, no matter how much I want you to see Jesus in me, but rather a clarion call of soul saying, Jesus of Nazareth have mercy on me and let me see You in me.
He is answering that prayer too. One truth at a time. Evicting the bad, and holding the baited- breathed reptiles mouths shut like he did the lions’ mouths for Daniel.
Do you have a moat around your heart. Have you walked out forgiveness but find its easy to forgive everyone but yourself? It’s time to let Jesus cross the bridge into your heart for renovations. Raise the white flag and surrender your self defeating self talk. Let him wash you in His blood, and control what stays and what goes. Either way, whether you let down your bridge or He lays down the cross He is coming in. So I say with love, “Surrender.”
Just keep watching for the white flag of surrender to turn red. Cleansed and confident in who rules within the walls of this heart, and of yours. I’ll be waiting to see your flag fly freely in grace. Red with love. ♡Melinda
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