Surrendering the Stuffing

50 Before the years of famine came, two sons were born to Joseph by Asenath daughter of Potiphera, priest of On. 51 Joseph named his firstborn Manasseh and said, “It is because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father’s household.” 52 The second son he named Ephraim and said, “It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering.” 

Genesis 41:50-51 NIV

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Off to Rest I Go

During the holidays I took a much needed respite.  You don’t know how hard that was for me.  I made myself take the month Oral Roberts University gave us students off. It was not hard not to do school work I must say.  Ahem.  But hard not to write, not to read anything other than novels, not to work on the church launch God is leading me through, or not to clean on certain days. I am a workaholic.  I may not do physical labor unless I am cleaning, but I have a terrible habit of  having to do something worthwhile or I feel guilty.   Then I chastise myself for it.  This is compounded since have a chronic illness, am on disability, and long to contribute to society because I didn’t want to be here at forty.

Silent Places

I also had a hard time resting because the work fills in the silent places.  The places I want to stuff with busyness so I don’t have to think about them.  I felt like I was leaning against a closet bursting at the seems with stuff I needed to deal with, but I wouldn’t surrender.  Stopping the work meant I had to acknowledge what was behind the door. This is all something I don’t want to deal with, but God does.  The healing process again waxing when I want it to wane.  I know the door to the closet will not close unless I pull out that one big thing I have been trying to stuff in there for years and years and deal with it.  I have to let the mess hit the floor of my heart.  Still, I ask God why? Why now? Not that it would be convenient.  He doesn’t answer.

Peace in Affliction

Still I feel like I may know the answer.  Unstuffing would mean that I didn’t have to expend all that energy trying to hold the door closed.  I wouldn’t be letting the past cause fear anymore.  I would be free from making sure no one saw what was in there.  So I could rest in the quiet presence of God without the noise.  I would have peace in the land of my affliction.

Surrendering All

First I have to surrender to needing to know why, remember that if I have to feel the pain then there is a purpose, and fix my eyes on what God wants to use it for since nothing is wasted.  He is in the process of working it all together for my good, but I have to let Him.  He is in the process of using the unbelievable painful things of my past for His glory and the healing of others too. Is there something you too are stuffing in the closet, but the door won’t shut?  Maybe it is time to surrender the stuffing. Beloved, what would it feel like to let it go.  To let the mess spill out all over the floor.  We grow fearful thinking about how overwhelming it will be because we think we have to deal with the mess alone.  But we don’t.  Will you let it spill with me?  Then together we can watch God clean up our mess. <3Melinda