Help Me I’m Bent

45 Thus says the Lord to His anointed….I will go before you and level the mountains [to make the crooked places straight]; I will break in pieces the doors of bronze and cut asunder the bars of iron.  And I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, Who calls you by your name.

Isaiah 45:1-3 NKJV

Crooked Tree courtesy of Mark Coldren

Alarm Didn’t Go Off Except in My Head

This morning I woke to one of my favorite songs playing in my mind as I got everyone up quickly.  The alarm had not gone off.  So hubby drove my middle-schooler to her destination, and I commenced to getting the first and fifth grader ready for the bus.  During the cereal getting, the dressing, and hair brushing these words echoed in my mind:

“Can you help me I’m bent,

I’m so scared that I’ll never

Get put back together.”

Lyrics from Bent~Rob Thomas~Matchbox Twenty

You see I am on a journey of healing.  Most of you know that.  In order to do that I have to use my voice and tell my story.  Much of it I have told in the safe place of a Christian counseling office.

Now, I am using my story to help others through peer counseling, and I am writing, and then stalling, and then falling to my knees, and then bawling.  Still, I want to tell my story.  Not so I can shout out to the world that I have been victimized in unbelievable ways, but so that someone can hear my voice and know it is okay to lift theirs.  So someone can know that Jesus is waiting by the well for them.

And, all along the way toward telling others and writing the manuscript, fear has gripped me, and I have to look into its eyes every hour and wrestle with it, God, and faith.

Some days I feel like I have the fear ready to tap out.  On others I have panic attacks that are uncontrollable and the only way they stop them is with medication. Even though I pray and pray and pray to be delivered from them.  Even though I know Jesus is my Healer (always was and always will be) and I have faith to be healed, I limp like Jacob from the encounter.

I speak scripture over myself.  I remind myself of the tattoo on my back of a tribal lion, which is representative of the Lion of the Tribe of Judah.  As big as my hand lengthwise along with the scripted Psalm 27:1 which reads:

The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?   Psalm 27:1 NKJV

I had them place it on my right upper back months ago to remind me that God has got my back, and He is my strength every minute of the day.  Still I am bent.  I forget to look at it in the mirror, which is what I placed it there for.  Instead I look at the wind and the waves, and the crashing lightening of this storm.

My mind is bent toward fear and worry, and sexual thoughts from the abuse, and pictures I can’t seem to erase of the childhood I wish I could forget.  I’m bent toward wanting people’s approval and the fear that comes from finally telling my story.  I’m bent toward walling off my heart and not wanting to let anyone know my secrets.  The ones I was told not to tell, and the ones that I don’t want to tell.

I am bent toward begging God to help me not to fall into addiction as the pain is so overwhelming, and I don’t ever want to go there again.  I am bent toward wanting to crawl in my bed and never get out.  And I cry out for help.

God Has Answered in This Way:

I had requested to be a part of two launch teams for books written by two remarkable women.  Their mission from God is to help people live free, find their voice, and use their story to help others.  Just as I was taking time off to write my manuscript two emails dropped in my inbox.

One from Mary Demuth who wrote The Wall Around Your Heart

And, the other from Jo Ann Fore who has written When A Woman Finds Her Voice

They both are ready for preorder and release in early October.  Both have been overwhelming timely and God sent revelations I needed desperately.

Still I cry out to God:

Can you help me, I am bent.  I am bent towards running from the dark even though you are the light that goes in with me.  I am bent towards wanting to live a quiet life in which my heart is protected from further pain.  I am bent towards slapping a band-aid over my wounds and pretending they are healed. I am bent towards not wanting to write anymore.

God wants to quiet my cries, and tell me not to let anything keep me from using my voice.  So I wrote this to you to share that I am going to continue to write, and fall to my knees, and crawl toward healing, and stall, and bawl until every last word of it is told.

I really need your prayers, and I really need you to know that the God of all grace and mercy is relentless in the pursuit of us, our wholeness, and our receipt of His love.  Don’t let anyone silence you. Cry out to God, shout it to the mountains. I’m praying for you.

It’s Not Just For Me

The two books I am reading are remarkable gifts from God.  Please take the time to visit the links above to find out more about these healing messages of hope.  I want to share them with you because of the way God is using them to heal my broken heart, and my brokenness.  He is using them to take what is bent and make the crooked places straight.  He doesn’t just want this for me.  Beloved, He wants this for you.  He always has. He still does.    <3 Melinda

Lord God,

I love you.  Because you never give up on me.  And if you never give up on me I know you never give up on any of us.  Please hear our cries so that someone may be blessed by our brokenness as you have promised.  Help us to no longer just cry, but to cry out to the world and shout to the mountaintops that Jesus has come, and He wants to love, and forgive, and heal, and restore.  Bless you Papa for you are worthy of honor and glory.  Thank you for being our light in the darkness, and helping us see that when all is dark, we are here to be the light of the world. In Jesus name, Amen.