From a Chrysalis: Fearless Part 4
What is fearless?
Fearless is a strange word. Like the word courageous. Fearless means without fear, or brave. Some dictionaries list courageous as the definition of fearless. I don’t agree with the, without fear, definition.
Courage is being afraid and doing it anyway. Fearless to me is fearing less than you did, and so you accomplish what you set out to do while feeling fear. In this way, you fear less and less.
Fearless Part 4
After I knew by confirmation that God wanted me to go to school that I may one day preach His word, I became extremely fearful that I would make the wrong choices. I wanted to be sure that I was being led into all truth. So I decided to enlist the help of my pastor.
I ended up applying at a theological institute. Next thing I knew I had an 80 percent scholarship and then a 90% scholarship to continue with the Bachelors is Church Ministry and began my degree through correspondence. It was perfect for me because I was able to be a mother to four and still go to school from home. The lectures were all on video, and so I could rewind if I needed to understand further.
The hardest part about doing this was motivation, and knowing whether or not I was retaining what I learned. The only exam I took was at the end of the program, and it was a doozie. However, the Holy Spirit was faithful and brought what I needed to know to my remembrance. He even wrote my thesis for me. And then after I graduated, He took me through their Bachelor’s program.
Now I have my license as a minister, but I still longed for an accredited degree. I wanted to accomplish that for myself. For my own understanding.
In December of 2010 after another Women of Faith conference, I applied to Grand Canyon University. It was a leap of faith, but a week later I was accepted and enrolled. My Christmas present was beginning an accredited degree in Counseling. I spent a year there and found that although Counseling seemed like a good fit for me, the desire of my heart was to teach God’s Word. So in the last six months I really struggled with knowing God’s dream for me. As I sought Him, I was in a desert place where I had little confidence in knowing if I was hearing correctly. Then doubt and fear set in. So I put school on hold a while when I ended up in the hospital due to illness, and I sought God. I still was unsure, but I decided to continue the program of study I had begun. When I started back, I knew I had made the wrong choice. Every encounter with God pointed toward preaching and teaching.
Water walking was the main message I kept hearing, and so I decided to press past the fear of making another wrong decision, and apply for a transfer to Oral Roberts University. After a few weeks, I was accepted and I begin classes in May. I am working on a an accredited degree in Church Ministry.
Many waves have crashed around me since I began the journey of seeking a degree in ministry. Since 2007 I have faced many things that called for me to quit.
For a year I fought fear when a man tried to molest my daughter. I had to go on medication for anxiety, and one of the medications caused a psychotic episode that Satan took advantage of. I could hardly drive my car down the street.
I began to have nightmares and flashbacks to my own childhood sexual abuse, and had to face what my mind had tried to bury and conceal. My whole home life had been a lie and I had to face the fear of that reality.
When I stepped into the youth ministry in my church my daughter accused me of child abuse and chose to live with her father. So I was ministering to teenagers, but had to offer up my daughter as Isaac had his son. I now know much more about God’s sacrifice for me.
I have faced failure, depression, addiction, incest and abortion healing, the ups and down of physical disability, and I am still in the midst of much healing from my past. Every minute is one full of fear in taking the next step in healing the layers of my soul.
But, Jesus has been there all the way! When I remember to keep my eyes on Him I make it every time. When the waves crash down I get scared, and sometimes they knock me down, but I am determined to fear less and less.
I am not sure why God prompted me to share all of this about being fearless, but I pray it has encouraged you. It has reminded me how far God has brought me, and of His faithfulness.f
From the chrysalis
As He molds me inside the Chrysalis I have been in for a while, there are times I really want to scream, but I have never heard screaming from a Chrysalis. I have only seen the beauty that remains flying high on a breeze. So I know that when the changes I am going through are over I will fly.
For a while you too may feel like screaming from the changes that you are experiencing in your life. Hold onto God with all you have, and know you will emerge beautiful and victorious.
To God be the glory. Thanks for hanging in there with me through my fearless testimony. The posts have been longer than usual, but meant to encourage.
Psalm 27:14 says to wait for, hope for, and expect the Lord. These are my words to you as you endure change.